Hello, Magnificent Being!
When Ken and I met, in July 2008, we instantly knew we were soulmates. It wasn’t love at first sight, instead, for both of us, it was a remembering each other at first sighting.
I can still feel the intensity of the love we felt. It was magnetic, as if each of us had been implanted with a corresponding magnet that as soon as we got near each other, it would automatically activate and draw us into one another.
Immediately we began a glorious love affair, unlike anything I had ever experienced with another human. The intensity was palpable by everyone around us. It was truly electrifying. Each time we met it felt as if we were soaring high above the world in a magical hot air balloon.
Before we met, I had already experienced the awakening of my Kundalini, and waves of pure love flooded my body on a regular basis. The Kundalini energy had activated my remembering that the essence of who I am, by virtue of having a piece of God inside of me—my Soul—is Unconditional Love. I had been enjoying flowing love to anyone I could, as if my life depended on it. Those years of loving with abandon were glorious.
The many years I’d invested on my healing journey were allowing the conditioning, I had learned from others, about relationships, love, money, status, sex, trust, life, and God, to start fading from my mind. I was beginning to see life without a need for dogma, or unnecessary rules and laws that had created the rigid “rights and wrongs” I had lived by all my life. In many ways, I was experiencing an innocent freedom and was learning to see life without as many filters or judgments. I was beginning to liberate myself and others from my past conditioning.
When I met Ken, I was thrilled to feel such intense love for one person, knowing he too was experiencing the same for me. Ken and I couldn’t bear to be apart for long, and when we were, we would call and text one another like teenagers do. We were so curious, carefree and open to everything the other had to offer. Because we had no “past” information about each other, we were living completely in the present moment, enjoying every bit of this fun and easy experience. The desire to drink each other in was coming from deep within that it felt as if we were under a spell. Clearly, I didn’t object because to me it felt as if God within me was simply loving God in Ken.
As our human life unfolded, we grew closer, and eventually married, and of course, along with our Souls, our egos made their way into our relationship. During more occasions than I can count, we were vulnerable, honest, and brave, and we questioned the nature of our reactions and brought them into the light of our awareness. I was well practiced at this and since we met when he attended one of my classes, he was open to all I was sharing. We both knew that seeing—truly seeing—our ego was necessary to healing any potential rifts between us. We were both truly committed to preserving our passion, our connection, and our love affair.
Early on, Ken’s never before explored beliefs and perceptions began to challenge my new free-flowing attitudes. Because I no longer had as many hard “wrong or right” beliefs, it felt to him as if I was not committed to somethings that were clearly important to him. His ego needed my agreement, for his own safety, but I didn’t want to agree to something that felt binding and unnatural to my emerging Soul. My journey had allowed me to experience trusting life, in a way that was very empowering, and sensing that my integrity was not being trusted my old egoic insecurities began to get activated.
As life would have it, between the drama with his three daughters and my three kids, homes to maintain, jobs to tend to, bills to pay, money to accumulate and/or spend, differences in cultural backgrounds, and very different perspectives about intimate relationships, parenting, family and friendships, colored by our past experiences with our parents and our previous spouses, our relationship began to feel heavy and confining.
Over time, our egos, being the only block to our love’s expression, began to trigger fears that had us believe the other was a source of danger, and when we obeyed the ego’s orders, it would send us without warning into attack and defense mode. Once one of our egos became righteous about its perceived danger, there was not much the other could do to bring sanity into the situation.
These confrontations felt like weights that, little by little, sank our magnificent balloon into a deep rut. And when you add to the mix that we were on different stages of our individual spiritual journeys, our ability to communicate became strained as if we were speaking completely different languages.
He was resisting my help/coaching, and I doubled down trying to convince him to receive me, so my ego could help him change his perceptions about me. Needless to say, he too thought he was right, and I was the one that needed help/coaching, from him! Clearly, our commitment to our ego’s fears won out over our Soul’s desire for love and connection.
Ken and I divorced in July 2014 committed to protecting what we each came to value most; the assets were his thing, and mine was my freedom. After we moved into separate homes and divided our possessions and accounts, it felt as if a few weights were being cast out of our balloon’s gondola. For the first time, in a while, there was hope for a renewed, albeit different, version of our relationship.
Although there were layers of fears between us, we still loved each other. Deeply, I might add. But our love affair clearly became secondary to our need for re-establishing our independence along with our self-righteousness—usually the spiritual kind.
After giving up on the roles of husband and wife, we emerged as boyfriend and girlfriend, accepting what the other was willing to offer, which seemed like scraps, compared to the glorious bounty we had feasted on before. Still, our love continued to draw us to remain a couple—for lack of a better word. Soon, silly things became bigger triggers, and taking cover from the oncoming spiritual-ego defensiveness became the norm. “You think you are so enlightened?!” became the weapon of choice.
I still felt that there was some hope for us, but I also knew that if we did not choose to commit to love, truth and connection, by default, we were committing to our ego’s self-preservation, deceit and disconnection. Although this didn’t need to be so, especially between two articulate, smart, loving, caring and committed seekers of Truth, it was inevitable without our joint and vigilant commitment to love.
Because of my level of consciousness, I was able to eerily witness this disfunction as it was happening. A Course In Miracles states: “the ego’s purpose is to separate,” and that it did, increasingly whispering in our ears that love was dangerous, and should be avoided. It was so clear to me how difficult overcoming the human ego can be, because being right is way more seductive than being happy.
I assure you that what I have learned about love, trust, consciousness, holy relationships, compromise, commitment, patience, compassion, gentleness and most important of all: the spiritual ego, has been truly priceless, and totally worth being in this relationship for. I sincerely would not trade a single thing that I’ve experienced these past nine years, for without the wrenched lows I could not have been propelled to the wisdom-filled highs that allowed me to soar closer to God. I am definitely more balanced, thanks to my journey with Ken.
In 2012, when our divorce seemed eminent, I was guided to surrender to what was happening and I began to experience a spiritual maturation that assisted me in chipping away at my spiritualized ego. Having discovered A Course In Miracles in 2011, I was completely immersed in the teachings, and frankly, I began to cheat on Ken with God. ACIM made it very clear that God is the—one and only—Source of my Love, safety, wellbeing and abundance, and not Ken. Suddenly, I no longer needed Ken to change, because God was changing me.
Over the past year, or so, the sweet nothings, and tender moments that remained were almost nonexistent. Although we couldn’t let go of each other, our longings seemed to be for more for time apart. The cherishing of each other, once the hallmark of our relationship, had all but vanished. We were now tethered by a fraying thread.
Earlier this week, my beloved playmate let me know that he found another lady to share his heart with. I immediately said: “I’m so happy for you, as I know how delicious that feeling is!”
I am still very happy for him—them. How could I not celebrate that the big love that is within him—is Him—gets to flow again? After all, the world thirsts for this kind of love. His love. Her love. My love. Your love.
A tender sadness has surrounded me over the past week. Although I was aware our relationship had ended long ago, we had gotten used to being comfortably disconnected. Clearly, there is love between us that our egos will never undo. I credit ACIM for teaching me how to keep my heart open because what is real, between Ken and I, will never be threatened. What a gift!
In the days since he shared his joy with me, I have felt an incredible movement of energy. The years of my unexpressed passions, femininity and sexuality are stirring, along with my incredible capacity to love, and to share Truth that I had placed on the back burner, are now actively seeking expression.
It’s as if over the last six or seven years, one by one, I’ve released the tethers that once attached my balloon to his. The tethers represented our marriage, living together, insurance, finances, sex, dates, adventures, trust, trips, the lake house, honesty, family, dreams of the future, sharing life, and eventually the day to day little things.
His happy news has severed the last tether.
At first, I felt a jolt in the pit of my stomach as my balloon seemed to suddenly takeoff on a solo flight. Ungrounded, for a moment, I felt the exhilaration of the vast expanse of possibilities before me, while I tenderly felt the sadness and tears, for what we shared, begin to flow.
I watched my ego start to blame him, then just as quickly it wanted to shame me. Almost immediately my awareness, acting like a gale wind, shifted those untrue thoughts right out of my mind. Instead, I chose to remain in love and gratitude because I know, with 100% certainty, Ken and I have a soul-contract to assist each other with our awakening. I also know the gifts each receives may never be known to the other. This is God’s unconditional love at work.
In this new-found freedom, which I had clearly voluntarily given up to play out my contract with Ken, I am vigilant only for Love, Truth and God. As the Presence of Awareness, I now gratefully stand at the heart of a paradox: I needed what I experienced so I could learn what I no longer need to re-experience.
Lessons learned–wisdom earned!
I’m not free from Ken, I am free from my insane ego-thoughts.
Ken will forever remain etched in my heart. In truth, we never fall out of love, but love does retreat due to fear. Being aware of how fear sabotages love is necessary to undo the process, and reclaim our love, which is exactly what the journey to awaking is all about.
God’s plan is for each of us to freely give and receive Love. Clearly, Ken and I allowed our egos to block God’s plans, temporarily, for what God creates can never be contained, although we sure seemed to delay it. I’m glad we’re both back on track, with God’s plan, albeit in our own way.
My journey has brought me to know, with certainty, God’s Truth for me. My work, as a human on this journey, is to continually choose—again and again and again—to be as God created me: Loving! I am committed to this practice because I trust the efficacy of choosing to align with God, as evidenced by the overall peace and forgiveness I have experienced over the last 9 years.
Today, wiser, clearer, happier, kinder, gentler, more compassionate and innocent, more balanced, loving, joyful, patient and profoundly more open… untethered, I soar!
With love, eternal gratitude, and loads of excitement,